Ian and Larissa's Awesome God

If you read any other Christian blog besides this one, you've probably seen this by now.  Nevertheless, it's worth posting, because this video, like Ian and Larissa's God, is awesome:

Like Water to a Plant

A wise, humbling, challenging word to husbands:

Words of encouragement to a wife are like water to a plant.

And again:

What a ministry husbands have in encouraging their wives! It is nurturing to the heart of a woman, compelling her forward in service to her family and community. For mothers of young children who are not yet capable of expressing appreciation, the husband's opportunity is not only to encourage his wife, but also to teach his children thankfulness and respect toward their mother. Through your words of blessing, you have an opportunity to minister to your wife in a way that no one else can.

Read the whole thing here.

Questions to Ask When Preparing for Marriage

As I tend to do from time to time, I'm posting this link as a way for me to locate something that I plan to refer to in the future, in hopes that it might also be profitable for some of you readers: a list of questions to ask when preparing for marriage.

Real Love

My wife had surgery on Monday, and is still recovering. Our experience over the last few days reminded me of this snippet of a Matt Chandler sermon that I heard some time ago:

To be real honest with you, I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. It’s not because I don’t

love love. I very much love love. But I think our culture has no idea what it’s

celebrating. It has no real clear definition of “love.” If you’ll pay attention to our

culture, our definition of love can’t be defined outside of self-seeking or “what makes me

happy. . .how does it work for me. . .” So that’s a really lame, weird thing to celebrate.

If the idea is that love is this kind of emotional, stirring, mysterious thing that can attack

you from out of nowhere, that is so powerful that you can’t control it, that’s a dangerous,

terrifying idea. It’s not to be celebrated, honestly. So for those of you romantics who

think it should, let me just say this. Right now, I’m very much in love with Lauren. But

let’s say I go to the store tonight to buy a bag of chips and the baby angel in the diaper

with a weapon pops me in the back, and now all of a sudden I see this other lady and now

she’s the beautiful one, she’s the one that I love. That’s a terrifying idea and not one that

I think should be celebrated.

So I’d like to read a passage out of Song of Solomon 8, starting in verse 6. “Set me as a

seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love [ahava] is strong as death,

jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD.

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love

all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.”

I have been with Lauren for 12 years, and we’ve been married for 10 years. There have

been these moments in our marriage and in our relationship where I thought, “This is a

really cool moment.” And few of those have anything to do with some hyper-emotional,

romantic, violins in the background, good glass of wine, beautiful scenery. Few of them

revolve around that. Honestly, they tend to be a lot more painful than that. I’ll give you

an example from this morning. Our seven-month-old is extremely selfish. I don’t know

if you’ve ever had one of these things, but she’s decided to cut all four of her top teeth

last night. So there was not a lot of sleep happening at the Chandler household last night.

But when they do radiation, specifically in your brain, you only lose hair where they

shoot the radiation. So I’ve got this real weird head thing where this is bald but then this

still grows hair. And I can grow hair like a Chia Pet. I could strain right now and make it

grow. I didn’t shave before I went to bed last night, so I had to get up this morning and

shave. And there are part of my head that I can’t see or reach. So at about 6:45 this

morning, despite the fact that we didn’t sleep much last night, I’m waking up Lauren.

I’m like, “Hey Boo, I need you to shave the back of my head.” To which her response

was, “They can’t see the back of your head.” So I was like, “I know they can’t see the

back of my head, but this can’t happen. You’re going to have to get up.”

So Lauren comes into the bathroom exhausted and shaves the back of my head so I could be pretty

for you. Now, that’s ahava. That’s a love of the will. That’s not, “Oh isn’t this

romantic? I get to get up with my sick husband at 6:45 in the morning after only getting

a couple hours of sleep and shave his radiated head.” But that’s ahava. That’s love.

That is a foundational, deep, full of guts, “I’m not going anywhere” love. That’s to be

celebrated. If we could celebrate that, then I’d be all about Valentine’s Day. But that’s

not what our culture is celebrating. It’s so much more emotive, so much more silly, so

much more hollow, so much more “I like you today. Let’s celebrate that.” So I’m not a

fan. That’s the mini sermon. Now let’s get to Colossians.

The Sins of Our Spouses

I just started reading Paul Tripp's new book, What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. I've been really helped by some of Tripp's other material, so I was eager to check out his insights on the subject of marriage.

Chapter 1 certainly did not disappoint. Here's a quote that especially grabbed my attention:

When your ears hear and your eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of your husband or wife, it is never an accident; it is always grace. God loves your spouse, and He is committed to transforming him or her by His grace, and He has chosen you to be one of his regular tools of change. So He will cause you to see, hear and experience your spouse's need for change so that you can be an agent of His rescue.

What a difference such a perspective would make on the daily difficulties of living so intimately with another sinner!

June 5th, 2004

This president passed away:

This horse lost his bid at a Triple Crown:

And, most importantly (for me, anyway!), this picture of Christ and the Church was formed, until death parts us:

Happy anniversary to my beloved:

An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.

By the grace of God, I've found one.

Redemptive Love

One of the better books on marriage that I've read is Love that Lasts, by Gary and Betsy Ricucci. In the chapter on the man's role, the Ricucci's pose five questions to determine whether a husband is loving his wife redemptively:

* Do I faithfully pray for her, that Jesus Christ might be glorified in her and that she might know His love and grace?

* Do I love her enough to confront and correct her sin, especially recurrent patterns of sin, and then patiently and consistently lead her to fruitful and liberating repentance?

* Do I wash her with the water of God's Word (Ephesians 5:25-27), or do I compromise her growth in godliness because my pride, selfishness, or fear keeps me from this God-given responsibility?

* Do I lead her into active involvement and service in our local church?

* Do I constantly remind her of the gospel of grace and of God's active goodness on our behalf?

Husbands, let's strive in the strength that God supplies to be able to answer "Yes" to these questions. And wives, do your husbands the wonderful favor of praying for him (not nagging!) to grow in these areas.

Vacation Reading

Vacation is about some intentional family time, so I decided to make my vacation reading family-oriented as well. If you would pray that some of these truths would sink deeply into my soul and change me for His glory and my family's good, I'd be grateful:

The Gospel for Your Spouse

In Milton Vincent's A Gospel Primer for Christians, Vincent writes the Gospel narrative that makes up most of the book in the first person. Vincent explains why:

"Everything in sections 1-3 is written in the first person (I, my, me), for all that is said in these sections is your testimony if you are a believer in Jesus. Therefore read these words, or better, speak them aloud as a way of testifying daily to your own heart the truth of what God has done for you and made available for you in the gospel. You'd be amazed at the difference such a practice can make in your life."

That's definitely good advice. I've profited from the book immensely since I got it over a year ago. But last night I decided to use it a bit differently than Vincent suggests. Michelle and I sat down after bed and read section 2 to one another, putting in the other's name instead of the first person singular.

So the effect was that each of us preached the gospel to the other, and also reminded ourselves of the glorious work that Christ has accomplished in the life of our spouse. That is a good thing to do, since inevitably I will sin against and hurt Michelle. When this happens, it's precious for Michelle to be reminded of the gospel's work not just in her life, but in mine. And of course it goes the other way too. I will be much more inclined to treat Michelle in light of the gospel when I am pondering the gospel's power in her life.

So if you have A Gospel Primer for Christians, give this a try with your spouse and let me how it goes. Michelle and I are thinking about doing it weekly because we enjoyed it so much. And if you don't have a copy of it, I'd like to give you one. I'll give a copy of it to the first two people who leave a comment on this post.

Marriage is a Picture

Referring to Ephesians 5:31-32, Noel Piper writes:

"God designed marriage to be a picture (Eph. 5:31-32). That makes me ask myself, how clear and well-focused is the portrait of Jesus that our marriage is displaying?"

That's helpful question to ask over and over as we enjoy the gift of marriage.

More Marital (and Parenting) Wisdom

A couple of weeks ago I posted a short quote that offered a powerful reminder about marriage.

Here's another one I read yesterday, this time from Tim Keller:

People want a 'designer life.' But marriage is two broken people having little broken people.

So I guess we shouldn't expect a life of comfort and constant bliss?

The Key to a Good Marriage

According to John Piper:

Success in marriage is not finding the right person, but being the right person in the power of the one perfect Person.

Amen!

Three simple questions to bless your wife

Yesterday I read through a short booklet written by David Powlison called Renewing Marital Intimacy. I bet the first words would resonate immediately with a lot of couples:

You started off telling each other everything. Time flew by when you were together...But now you have nothing to say to each other. The intimacy and trust you once enjoyed are gone -- replaced by bickering, long silences, and hurried conversations about your schedules.

Powlison suggests that three simple questions can be used to connect with your spouse regularly and deepen your relationship:

1. What are your present burdens?

The Bible tells us that we are born for trouble (Job 5:7). So what is the trouble? A sin? A responsibility? An issue at work? A particular conflict? What weighs you down? What was your lowlight of this day? These burdens are the “heat of life.”

2. What are your present joys?

What were your highlights from the day? Was there a moment that brought you pleasure? What are you grateful for?

3. What is your purpose?

This could include the mundane tasks, or broader life-purpose questions. What are your duties for this day? What's on your mind? What do you need to do? What are your goals for this day, week, or year?

If you're struggling to connect with your spouse, give these questions a try and let me know how it goes.

Vacation, #3: Marriage retreat

A bright spot from the vacation week was getting up to State College, PA to witness the wedding of a girl who had been in the youth group that Michelle and I worked with when we were living up there. It was our first overnight without the girls, and even though we were both sick, it was enjoyable to be ALONE with my wife.

To make our drive fruitful, I had printed off this do-it-yourself marriage retreat from the 9marks website. On the ride home, Michelle and I discussed some of the questions and gained some good insights.

For those who are married, I think that working through this lengthy list of questions would be greatly profitable.

The best words a husband can hear

In light of this post I wrote a couple of weeks ago concerning the temporary nature of marriage, I was incredibly humbled and delighted by these words of my beautiful bride, part of a poem she wrote to me for our fifth anniversary last week:

So when we come to the end of this life, and are no longer husband and wife

because we find ourselves before the only One whom we were made to adore,

please know this, my beloved, my friend: I’ll easily recognize His face

because you’ve daily displayed Him and positioned us under His sufficient grace.

With these words and in innumerable other ways, Michelle has made me a very happy husband.

A Wonderful, Non-Eternal Bond

The other day I received a wedding invitation from an old friend from my days at Penn State, inviting us to share in the joy of the happy parents by witnessing their children united 'in the eternal bond of matrimony.'

When I read this, I was reminded of the words of Jesus in Mark 12:25. He had been asked a question about a woman who had been married to many men because she had been widowed. Whose wife would she be in the resurrection? Jesus told them,

"When they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven."

In other words, while I was delighted to receive this invitation in the mail, it is not quite accurate. Marriage is a wonderful gift, but it is not eternal. That is why the traditional vows pledge faithfulness 'until death do us part', and why Paul allowed widows to remarry (1 Corinthians 7). When death happens, the marital bond is over. Michelle Lazarus will not be my wife in the resurrection, because our union is only a picture pointing to the eternal, marital bond that exists between Jesus and His Church.

The ultimate purpose for marriage in this life is to bear witness to the extraordinary covenant-love that exists between Jesus and His bride, the Church. And, as John Piper says, "In the resurrection, the pointer vanishes into the perfection of that glory." There is no need for the picture that earthly marriages are when Jesus, the Bridegroom, comes and dwells with His people on the New Earth.

All that to say, I was grateful to receive that wedding invitation for a few reasons. First, I am thrilled for the friend who is getting married in a few months. But second, I was thankful for the reminder that my marriage to Michelle is not eternal, but rather is a pointer to the eternal bond of love that exists between Jesus and the Church.

Which means I better get busy loving my wife today; she won't be my wife forever. And I won't get a do-over in the resurrection.

Forgiveness, Bent Outward

On Thursday nights I'm going through a book on marriage with some friends. This Momentary Marriage is by far the best book I've read on marriage, I can't recommend it enough. And this quote that I read for our study tonight is among my favorites:

“As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”—your spouse. As the Lord “bears with” you, so you should bear with your spouse. The Lord “bears with” you everyday as you fall short of his will. Indeed, the distance between what Christ expects of you and what you achieve is infinitely greater than the distance between what you expect of your spouse and what he achieves. Christ always forgives more and endures more than we do. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Bear with as he bears with you. This holds for whether you are married to a believer or an unbeliever. Let the measure of God’s grace to you in the cross of Christ be the measure of your grace to your spouse.

"And if you are married to a believer, you can add this: As the Lord counts you righteous in Christ, though you are not in actual behavior or attitude, so count your spouse righteous in Christ, though he is not—though she is not. In other words, Colossians 3 says, take the vertical grace of forgiveness and justification and bend them out horizontally to your spouse. This is what marriage is for, most ultimately—the display of Christ’s covenant-keeping grace.

I'm a sinner; Michelle is a sinner. But with a foundation built on this kind of awesome grace, I believe we'll flourish until death parts us, even with our manifold flaws. I love this book, not least because it helps me love my beautiful bride a little bit more like the way Jesus loves His.